I'll Admit it!!!!

I Love you!!! I admit it!! But I was dumb I let you go!! And I dont think that we will ever be again. I wish you would love me but now you wont not ever again. I will miss you. Caian I love you too bad I will never be able to tell you. Good bye my love, my one, my only, my heart's blood.

I just dont know anymore!

I know that I should be a decisive person but I am just not too sure how to be. I know that sounds stupid but I just cant seem to help it!!!!! How can I stand up to him if I am so afraid to lose him? I am really not the preson I used to be. I have become weaker and I dont know when it happened but what I do know id that it needs to change and I need to find myself in order to make that change a reality.

Yes I know....

Shame on me and this tendency to post only one or so a month!!!!
I know I should post more often but I seem to not have the time, needless to say I do have the inclination but the will does not always create the way as I have come to realise. I do however apologise to myself for not allowing myself the release of the vent of blogging. Ah well I do hope that this month will be better and I may be able to blog more than once.
If not then I hope to all this month is a good one to you all.

YES!!!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!!

I would have never thought that I would have found someone as agreeable as he is... Someone who could make me laugh and smile and forget all my troubles when I am with him. I love him... I cannot deny it and I will not deny it... He makes me happy is that no all that truly matters?

Listen

I sit here and I listen.. To the emptiness that is my room and my world... What am I to do? How am I supposed to battle the silence when your voice once filled the void. I miss you.. I wish you were here with me. I wish we had the easy going friendship we once shared but I guess that is now gone traded for something that I viewed as precious but that too is lost... Gone... all is lost to me... especially you......

Happy New Year even though it is kinda old...

Ah well better late than never. Well lemme just give a brief run down of the New Year as is in my life... Umm I am now over him and I have a new Boyfriend whom I love totally. Never thought I could find someone who makes me as content as him but I did. But then the clouds settled over the sunny days that had become my life and my love became engorssed in the wonderful world of politics and he no longer has time for me. I am not used to ths sort of treatment. I miss him but I will not call him. I am not this sort of needy woman to seem to nag when I need attention. I just miss him and I feel as if he no longer cares about me. Especially since I have no idea why he is with me in the first place. I am just waiting for him to come to senses and dump me. Ah well... My projects are online and I am well on my way to becoming a well known woman in my own right... But the sad thing is that I love him... I really do.... Ah well Happy New Year... even though it is a bit old.....

Cleaning......

Just spent the last four hours cleaning my room. It is now 4 am. But no matter how much I clean I just can seem to scrub out the stain you have created on my heart, soul and mind. God I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So very much!!!!!!! You evil BASTARD!!!!!!! I hope you suffer!!!! All I did was because I cared about you but you didnt care you just saw someone you could use. I guess I deserve what I got because I should have learnt by now that men are selfish and do not care for anyone but themselves. Plus he has his precious waiting at home for him. I was a fool to believe that anyone could love me.

Dying....

He broke my heart, but it is ok... I maybe dying now but like a phoenix I will rise out of the ashes of my destruction, ready to live again more vibrant than ever before. But I cannot help but want to cry. I feel so used, so cheap and to think I was willing to give it up all for him. My Family... My inheritance..... all of it. Well I hope that he is happy. I never want to speak to him ever again. The joy I once felt is now drained out of me. What can I do now but hide my pain from the world. I cannot show them how much I want to die!!!!! I will not show them how deeply I have been hurt!!! I cannot do that !!!!!!! They have all been waiting to see me fail to see me suffer. I will suffer in private!!! My pain, loss and humiliation will not be made a public spectacle of!!!!!
Never!!!! Never!!!! Never!!!!!1

Ever wonder?

Have you ever wondered why somethings happen? Ever wonder why you met this person now and not sooner? Ever wonder if you will ever meet them again after they have moved out of your life and into the wide world? Ever wonder if they will get married and settle down, if their spouse will make them happy and if they ever think about you?
I think i wonder entirely too much................
But I really cant help but wonder!

ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!1

Hey I just remembered that I have to say that my birthday is on friday!!!! Hurray!!! Dont know why I am so damn happy!! I have a bunch of papers due is the next bit of the month. I am sooooo tired of typing.... I swear this university is trying to mkae me chop my hand off..... I hate typing now.... grrrrrrrrr So I guess I will not be doing anything for my birthday!!!!!!!! Oh Well!!!!!

Been a while...

I've been sooooooo busy I havent had time to blog is sooooooo long. Hmmm the new stuff... Well I had the biggest scare of my life this week. I thought I was having a relapse and honest to God I was soooo scared it wasnt funny. I have admitted to myself that I would not have been able to cope with losing my life a second time. Not after all the work I have put into myself for me to be where I am right now. I would have given up this time. I honestly admit that much to myself. But I also found out that I have some amazing friends who really do care about me. And even though they know nothing about this blog I want to thank them from the depths of my heart for the support that they showed to me in my moments of despair. Now onto the insignificant things that I have not be able to update on. Reg and I are no longer friends and he has caused a split in the group. But I dont really care. They are, I now realize, children and I cannot help but accept that now. I was trying to bestow up them traits of maturity more for my sake than their own. It was so I could feel comfortable around them since they are not from my age group. I really do miss friends my age and I have become a bit juvenile in my behaviour, mannerisms and dispostion. M and G are really godsends to help salvage my adulthood.

Let Me Have You

I am soooo busy he doesnt let me have 5 mins to myself. He wants me to be on every issue he cares about and the intrest of one is driving the other insane. It was so cute when he saw having dinner with him the little look he got on his face. And the casual question as to wether he wants me in his life or not. So very sweet. But he should know that I want him. So badly that it hurts. Good Lord help me. When he touches the chills can kill and a tone can get me so hot and bothered, just slam him against a wall and hurt him. Heaven help me!!! Why are you soooo damn sexy?! I will end up doing something I regret.

Good Bye

So I never thought that I would be able to let go of you but I did. Your friendship was important to me but I wasnt important to you. But I am fine with that. Now I can say goodbye to you and hello to me. The me that I gave up for you. The me that I abandoned. The me that made me happy. I will never be the kinda girl that you want me to be and if this is an attempt to make me change then you have failed sadly. You actually ruined it. I was willing to change for you but you didnt want to wait and let it happen. You wanted to rush it and it fell apart. So good bye, you will not be missed and it is your own damn fault, deal with it!